9.9.14

Today I’d booked off as it was my first meeting with a counsellor. Hence why you didn’t get an update at 9:30 as is usually my habit now.

I knew I’d be a mess after the session which is why I’d taken the whole day, it’s quite funny in a way because my old work, for all their ‘oh we’d always let you have time off for medical appointments’ probably would have pitched a fit.

I was annoyed by the lack of onsite parking available, but I guess I shouldn’t complain too much – at least I don’t have to pay for therapy.

We chatted about different things, why I’d come to this point, how long it had been going on, the situation (which I’m not going to go into full detail here because I’m not really ready for that) she asked me what I wanted to get out of the sessions.

I told her the truth, I want to feel better about myself.

My head knows I’m capable how I feel is different.

My therapist also told me she was a bit concerned that I’m using supply teaching on day to day as a form of escapism. That hiding from situations won’t exactly help me overcome them as I’m avoiding not dealing. She also thinks that if I like being outside then I should try and spend more time outdoors and also try and find some more social activities to try.

At first I was a bit reluctant, but I can see the wisdom in what she was saying.

She does agree with the idea of doing supply teaching before getting another permanent job but she also told me that I should try to be good to myself. I’m not entirely sure what she meant by that…but I think she means two things. 1) be nice to myself as in take care of myself. 2) To not be as harsh on myself. Yes I made mistakes but they shouldn’t be haunting me so much and making me doubt myself. Strangely she’s not the first person to say this to me this week.

When I got out I had a message on the phone from one of the agencies asking if I’d go to one of the academies on Friday for a kind of interview. They couldn’t give me any more information which I told them I’d need more – he said he wanted to see if I was free first then would get back to them and then me. I will admit I had a brief panic attack after that conversation, I hate this self doubt that haunts me – then again I’m sure I’m not the only teacher that feels this way.

*sigh* more ice cream I think. Until tomorrow I will leave you with this quote from the film pretty woman.

“Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.

Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.

Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? “

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